4 signs you’re being (wayyy) too hard on yourself and how to fix it.
ever since September began with the launch of my blog rebrand, I made a commitment to myself to try new things. but I didn’t want to just do new things for the sake of doing them, I intentionally wanted to do hard things: things that took me out of my comfort zone and would — quite frankly — scare the heck out of me.
broadly speaking, all of 2020 has scared the heck out of me. there’s the collective uncertainty that has reached all of us to some degree (lose, sickness, change of lifestyle), then there’s that intimate layer of uncertainty that only we, in our heart of hearts truly know the depths of. in a weird way, i haven’t been very pleased with the fact that a lot of the changes happening around me has seemed to occurred without my verbal consent. i mean, you know me, I practice a level of faith in my life, but I still have to be real when I say that around mid-summer, it was starting to feel like life was happening to me and I was always caught in a state of reacting to it.
i just wanted to be more proactive about my approach to life, ya know… starve that victim mentality. but I gotta say, this is all very new to me. and what I found is that… well… doing hard things is hard.
there really is no roadmap or guide that tells us how to bob and weave from lesson to lesson. and when we fall short of our own expectation, it can be really easy to be hard on ourselves for not getting things right the first time. this is where I find myself being super critical. sometimes my inner critic doesn’t have the right words to pick me up and on the other end, my brain thinks she’s doing the good work of protecting me from things that might hurt me. although her motives are noble, I’ve had to quiet her down so my spirit can guide me.
i mean, just think about it: none of the things that you have put your hands to do this year has ever been done before. just sprinkle “IN A PANDEMIC?!” on anything you do and you’re already a champion in my eyes. just look around, a lot of us are pioneers in our own right and we should treat ourselves with the kindness of someone who’s not just doing, but learning too. so I want to talk to you about that today. because maybe, just maybe you’re being a little too hard on yourself and I want to help with that:
SIGN #1 - YOU’RE CRIPPLED BY PERFECTIONISM.
if there’s one thing perfectionism is going to do, it’s hold you back. the need to make the things we’re creating the first time, perfect the first time can be a hindrance to not only our creative process but the gentleness it takes to release those things into the world. as I mentioned before, it will do you a great service if you embrace the fact that you are learning just as much as you are doing. so embrace a mistake or two. do it unprofessionally. color outside the lines. the only person who has ever reached perfection is Jesus, and unless you’re Him, embrace your shortcomings and pick up the grace He left behind for us. remember: excellence over perfection.
SIGN #2: YOU’RE COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS.
chile, i need you to hear me clearly when I say this: you are not them, and they are not you. on social media, we encounter so many images of other’s success that it can start to inform how we view our own path and distort it. ultimately, what someone has going on in their journey ain’t got nothing to do with what God is doing in ours. the people we follow online should be sources of inspiration for what is possible, not what we feel is impossible for us to obtain. if there’s someone in your social stratosphere who is doing something well that you admire, maybe reach out (respectfully) for a quick question or observe from afar. just don’t let it rob you of the unique journey that you’re carving out for yourself, because the path you’re creating could be the inspiration for someone else in the future.
SIGN #3: YOU’RE NOT BEING KIND TO YOUR MIND.
here’s my rule of thumb for positive self-talk: if you wouldn’t say it to a child, don’t say it to yourself. trust me, I know how easy it is to pull out that self-titled mixtape with all your usual doubtful, (sometimes) mean, and self-deprecating thoughts. you know all the words to every song and play it back to yourself anytime you feel like you’ve fallen short or bombed something new. but honey, imma need you to work on making a new playlist with words that affirm and lift you up when you’re not having the best day. songs like, “I will be gentle with myself in the learning process.” or maybe even this banger, “I did a good job today because I did my best today.” sometimes these can seem elementary, but hey, maybe we have to take it back to simpler terms because the inner child in us still needs some loving. so show YOU some love, simply because you’re trying.
SIGN #4: YOU THINK YOU’RE SUPPOSE TO GET IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
i really want to applaud you for believing that you can do anything because that’s half the battle. but I need you to know one thing: you haven’t done this before. every project you set out to complete, very piece of art you release, every item of content you create has not been done before. just think about that. and although you may be true to this, you are still very much so new to this, so cut yourself some slack. i think social media has pushed the idea that we have to become experts of our trade overnight, but some things take those 10,000hrs to truly conquer, and even then, we’ll still be learning through it. every time you fall down, there’s going to be that many more lessons you’ll be able to pick up for yourself once you get up. sometimes we think the greatest lessons come when we’re succeeding, but it all goes back to that saying of, “there are no loses, only lessons.” so learn through it, even if it takes more than one try.
〰️ before you go: how are you being kind to yourself on your journey? when do you know you’re being too hard on yourself and need to take a step back to show yourself some love? let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear!
with love,
ya girl, Aley.
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